Licensed Funeral Director

Mrs. Barbara Bain Jordan, LFD

Words From Our Funeral Director

Death is a different and difficult experience for everyone. Even if you have experienced a loss yourself it is still hard to console someone close to you who has suffered a loss. Below are some tips and suggesstions on how you can help the bereaved. First a short explanation of grief.

A Definition of Grief - The physical, emotional and mental condition brought on by a loss, such as the death of someone you love. Grief is our body's natural ability to heal our emotional injury. Grieving can be hard and a lack of understanding makes it even harder. Grief is a personal process characterized by three stages.

The first phase is Shock (denial). This begins with the news of the death. The reality of the death may occur within a few minutes, a few days or sometimes several months later. This phase "protects" the survivor from the emotional impact of the death. One may experience a need to stay busy, confusion, an inability to express emotion, an inability to function normally, and an overwhelming sense that something is wrong without grasping the reality of the loss.

The second phase is the expression of grief (i.e. bargaining, anger, depresssion) and may last for several days to several years. There are mental, physical and emotional manifestations that may come and go or appear in any combination.

Mental: Preoccupation with the death, inability to focus, concentrate, or remember, lack of productivity, paranoia or, inconsistent thoughts.

Physical: Fatigue, weakness, insomnia, weight gain or loss, headaches, tendency to catch stress-related illness, a sense of vulnerability, discomfort with too much activity or too many people.

Emotional: Intense sadness, fear anxiety, anger, depression, loneliness, confusion, helplessness, insolation and guilt. The inability to feel or give love, compulsive behavior, thinking that you are "crazy". If an individual is experiencing these symptoms, realize that they are quite normal and in many ways are a necessary part of the healing process of grief. These expressions are usually temporary. However, if the individual is experiencing these conditions acutely and is not able to handle the grief on their own, professional help be it medical or psycholocial may be needed.

The third and final stage is Acceptance: You will know the individual has reached this stage when they are able to recall memories of their deceased loved one fondly and pleasantly, instead of painfully. Once acceptance has been reached, planning for the future becomes more realistic. A new and wiser individual will have emerged.

How You Can Help

Before the Funeral (sometimes it is best not to ask or offer, but to just do it)

• Offer to notify family and friends about the death and funeral arrangements
• Help to keep the kitchen, bathroom and living area clean
• House-sit to receive friends, and prevent burglaries when the family must be away
• Help answering the phone and keep a record of all calls and visits
• Help coordinate the food and drink supply
• Offer to pick up friends and family at the airport, and assist in arranging housing
• Offer to transport out-of-town visitors
  

• Write notes of encouragment and support
• Help with Thank You notes and /or other correspondence
• Prepare or provide dinner on a day that is mutually acceptable
• Offer to help with chores
• Offer to feed or exercise pets, if any
• Offer to house sit if the family need to get away
• Make a weekly run to the grocery store, laundry, or cleaners
• Anticipate difficult periods such as anniversaries, birthdays, holidays
• Always mention the deceased by name and encourage reminiscing
  

• Say "I'm sorry"
• Give them the opportunity to talk about the deceased
• Allow them to share their memories
• Use the deceased person's name
• Validate that grieving is normal
• Ask them how you can help
  

• I know just how you feel
• Time heals all wounds
• Aren't you happy they're in heaven
  

Because

• No one can truly know what another feels
• Time alone does not heal the pain
• This fails to honor the deep suffering of the bereaved; Although they may be comforted by their faith, the pain of missing loved ones is the present reality
  

DO NOT SAY

• Be thankful he was not aware at the end
• He (or she) had a good life
  

Because

• We are discussing the death from our perspective, not from that of the bereaved; This discounts the grieving person's pain
  

DO NOT SAY

• Things will be back to normal in a month or two
• Now you need to get on with your life
  

• This puts limits on a person's grief
• Each person needs to grieve in his or her own time and way
  

• He was only a baby - you really didn't get that attached to him
• Your mother was pretty old - did you think she'd live forever
• She was only your friend
  

• We cannot judge the depth of the relationship one person has for another
• Each person is irreplacceable
  

DO NOT SAY

• You can't stay sad forever
• He wouldn't want you to be sad
  

Because

• You deny the fact that being sad and expressing strong emotions is a very necessary part of healing.
  

Remember:

The best support you can offer the bereaved is to listen and be understanding.

Oftentimes, you don't need to say much.

You just need to be there for them.